The Morning After

It’s the “morning after” a rather loud, raucous time of celebration yesterday.  My final Sunday at SVCC went so well–the kind words, generous tributes, and many hugs made me feel very much like a rich man.     I’m so glad I stayed and saw through the tough times all the way to the other side of pain.

Yeah, I’m groggy today.  And, yeah, there have been twinges of sorrow as I reflect on all the grace, all the freely expressed love, all the close relationships with the many dear folks we will be leaving.   I find myself repeating to myself, “No love, no pain”.     I find myself choosing to be grateful for all the years we did have here, not for all the years we won’t have. 

We certainly had a time yesterday.    Things got off to a right start when a friend lent me a cowboy hat to wear because I was playing the bass for…the country music worship team.    I’ve never seen God’s people so into the music and so free.   It literally was a party at church.    It was a joy to end my sermons there with a message on Romans 8–how nothing can separate us from God’s love.    Only the Lord could scheduled such a perfect passage to end a ministry with.

Another thought I had was how the Lord changed the script.   Until now, the script always seemed to have a bad ending for previous pastors.     So to have a good ending–to leave for the right reasons at the right time, to leave God’s people in unified, growing state, was priceless.    No one is robbing them of me.  They are sharing me with another church that needs the same grace they’ve enjoyed.    God’s kingdom is expanding, and they’re an active part of it.

Speaking of scripts, I wonder if that’s not God’s agenda of all of us.   We have this part we play over and over and over again–the addicted loser, the lazy complainer, the battered woman, the neglected child, the lonely wallflower, the pompous fool.    We keep making the same choices and take up the same role, and expect different results.    

Then Christ intervenes, disrupts our silly games, and takes us back to the very place where we were first handed our old script and doomed to repetition.    It hurts, and we are frightened at losing our part in the familiar play we ‘ve lived.    But if we take the chance, stick with it, and let Him do soul surgery, we eventually live a different part and are following a new script–His script–for our lives.    

And we discover that, under His sway, we become our truest selves and are never more ourselves than when we are completely His.   His Lordship, instead of being a prison, is absolute freedom to be what we were always meant to be and to live the life we were created to live.    Slavery is being our own master, doing what we want over and over until it bores, defines, and destroys us.    There is no worse tyrant than King Me, His majesty the Baby.

And that kind of “morning after” is horrible.   So many are robotically, mechanically engaging in perverse, self-destructive, immoral behaviors all the while knowing it’s a grind, a fraud, and a dead end.    They only way out of the Matrix is to lie on the gurney, admit powerlessness, and let Jesus perform a heart transplant operation on our sin dead souls.    And that’s the “morning after” that’s worth selling all we have and buying into.

Progressive Surrendering

One of my friends has a noble goal:   he wants to live a completely surrendered life to Jesus Christ.     He dreams of the day when all of him will be all of Christ’s.  I share his hope.    But it got me thinking.

I find that sometimes lofty goals like this actually distract me from the issues right in front of my nose.    That what I need most isn’t to condemn myself for not completely surrendering, but to surrender whatever is filling my heart and distracting my mind at this very moment.     That Christ wants me not so much to be surrendered, but to be surrendering my fears, angers, passions, problems, relationships, and issues to Him on an ongoing basis as they arise.

This morning I realized that something happened while I was gone last weekend irritated me.    No, that’s too refined.   I was angry.   A slow cold anger.  But in the busyness of travelling and dealing with other things, my anger was put away for safe-keeping.     And temporary safe-keeping became long term storage in my soul–where the minor irritation festered and grew. 

Happily, Christ pointed out my underlying, stored anger this morning and I surrendered it over to Him and forgave the offenders and then experienced great, refreshing soul freedom.    It’s been a great day ever since.

And the same operation can happen whenever fear fills our heart, or a situation fills our mind, or whatever.  Instead of managing it and fretting over it, how much better to acknowledge and surrender the ownership of it to Him.    Admit it, transfer it over, and enjoy His grace at work.  Be progressively surrendering all things as they come.

My friend and I then discussed the issue of sinful urges and temptations.   I recalled a prayer meeting where a fellow pastor first confessed that he wanted to  look at beautiful women lustfully, and then confessed that he really didn’t want to give into lust but he was weak and would Christ help him to stand.    

Instead of presenting his best foot forward and hiding the unholy desire, he exposed his unholy desire and received needed grace.   We who heard him never forgot it.   It liberated us!   His voiced admission and surrender gave us permission to also openly own our unholy desires, and ask for grace, too.

Because we tend to be too concerned about what people think about us or what they will say about us, it’s easy to hide our “lower room” junk and put our most pious foot forward in personal settings.    But when someone dares to bring the lower room junk into the light of day, and admit they want to indulge or give in, but don’t want to give in, and need Jesus to help them, it’s life-giving to all who are there.  It is holy ground.  It is ground zero for God’s grace.

So instead of worrying about how surrendered we are, it would be far more fruitful to ask ourselves what is on our mind and on our heart, what is crowding out thoughts of Jesus or displacing feeling for Jesus, and name it openly before Him and others.    Then to admit we want this idol, that we want to worry or be angry or indulge ourselves.  But having voiced it, a backwash of love for Christ and desire for purity kicks in and we realize we really don’t want to give in.   So we say so and admit we are weak and humbly ask for help.

The alternative to progressive surrendering is to suppress and hide these unholy desires, and thus let them grow and grow in the secret darkness of our souls until they gain such force that they overthrow us.   To handle it ourselves, in other words.   Which courts disaster.

Tired of feeling you’re never good enough?  Tired of hiding and pretending?  Try admitting and surrendering your negative emotions, appealing temptations, and chronic sinful urges–the very moment they arise–instead.   I believe we will make further progress, more tangible growth in grace, if we do so.

Male Leaders Needed

This past weekend I had the high honor of addressing my nephew’s Eagle Scout court of honor.   The occasion had a special significance for me personally, because receiving the Eagle Scout award was part of my own redemption 27 plus years ago.    In honor of God’s mighty work in redeeming my life when it went sideways, I will do my level best to replicate my remarks in this entry.

Some people receive their Eagle scout earlier, at age 14.  I call this the straight road to Eagle.  And my nephew took this route.   Others, like his friend, receive it just shy of the 18 year old birthday cutoff.   I’m in the latter group.   My road to Eagle Scout was tortured, long, and unexpectedly difficult.    The reason why is one simple fact:    on the way home from working on a merit badge at our local library, I was abducted and molested by a predatory pedophile.    For two years, I labored on–earning merit badges and working my way quickly through the ranks.   But at two years, I hit a wall.   I simply felt unable to do any more on Boy Scout advancement.   Looking back, the reason why is fairly simple:  earning merit badges was too painful because it was associated in my mind with that terrible day.

Several years later, God was working in my life and was drawing me to Himself.   My soul was waking up and I was beginning to take a harder look at my choices.   The shroud of pain was lifting and something inside of me did not want to let this dream be derailed.    So I earned the final 4 merit badges, organized my Eagle  project, and joined the ranks of Eagle Scouts.    Which brings up the first quality of leadership that’s sorely needed today:  perseverance.    The Bible says, “He who perseveres to the end, will be saved.”  I know I sure was.   Too many leaders give up, give in, quit, and walk away–leaving so much necessary good undone.   So be the kind of leader who sticks with it, stays true, and holds your ground on the battle field until the noble cause is finished.

Recently, I have been reading the book “Team of Rivals” about Abraham Lincoln’s leadership.   The thing both his allies and enemies failed to understand was Lincoln’s extraordinary capacity for empathy.   He could put himself in his political enemy’s shoes, and know what they were going to do and how they were going to respond to his decisions.   He conversed often with ordinary people, and gauged how much and how fast the American people could tolerate on the march towards Emancipation of the slaves.    He could balance rival factions within his own party, and knew how to speak to irritated people and reconcile feuds.  

It’s no accident that Lincoln granted pardons for deserting soldiers when their mothers wrote him to beg for mercy.    The capacity to put himself in another person’s shoes, and the high regard he displayed for the feelings of others, earned him the admiration and respect of those who worked with him and followed him.      When I look at my worst failings as a leader, they happened when I did not take the time to walk in the shoes of those who would be most impacted by my decisions.   Empathy is built by personal suffering, then by a wide experience of life and by taking the time to listen to the life stories of a wide variety of people.    Be an empathetic leader.  Take to heart what Jesus says: “Do unto others as you would have them do until you.”

Finally, all your work the both of  you have done have so far has advanced your interests–you have benefited from your pursuit of Eagle Scout.  So now a test is coming–will you still serve even when it doesn’t personally benefit you?     The third and final quality of leadership that’s sorely lacking today is self-sacrifice.     I work with married people, parents, and other leaders.  And the default setting of our souls is, “What’s in it for me?”    We try to suck self-fulfillment out of our relationships, and chuck it in when it’s no longer personally fulfilling to us.  

But the world needs male leaders–husbands, friends, owners, fathers, pastors, bosses–who work for the good of all, even if they don’t gain anything out of it.  Especially if they don’t gain anything out of it.    Look at what’s going on in our economy, in our government, in our homes, schools, and churches and you’ll have to agree:  self-satisfying, self-seeking leadership is a dead end that leads to ruin and harm.    Manhood is about obligation and responsibility, about being the kind of man others can depend upon to be there, to care, and to look out for our best interests even if it’s not fun, easy, or ego-gratifying.    Be that kind of man.  Be that kind of leader!    Choose to serve when there’s nothing in it for you.   Again, that’s one reason Jesus observes, “He who keeps his life will lose it.  But he who loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Congratulations, fellow Eagle scouts!    The world is sorely in need of leaders like you could become.     So be the persevering, empathetic, and self-sacrificing leaders we need.

The Gratitude Frame

I’ve just come back from a very satisfying long weekend in California.   My 15 year old nephew received his Eagle Scout award, and the Lord made it possible for me to be at the ceremony and speak some encouraging words into his life and the lives of all who were there.    So there was much to rejoice in, and much good to be thankful about, this past weekend.

Yet something more was going on.   I learned that a loved one has cancer…again.   And I was able to be there for this person on the very weekend the diagnosis was handed down.    My stay lasted through Monday, so I was even able to go with them to their first follow-up appointment, and serve as a listening ear and supportive advocate.

A family member said, “Isn’t it a shame that this news had to happen when you came down.”    I instantly replied, “What better weekend for me to be here!”    Yes, bad news is bad news.   But in the midst of all the yuck, God pulled back the curtain and I caught of glimpse of His sovereign, perfect plans at work.    There IS a reason for everything, however small.

Of all weekends, indeed!   Joy filled my heart on the plane ride home–because, thanks to Christ, I was in the exact place at the exact time to do the most good.    And there is nothing more fulfilling, nothing better, nothing that gives a greater sense of peace, than knowing one is in the center of God’s will.    And that He didn’t have to do it that way but, out of love, arranged things in such a way that a sinner like me could fulfill some of His holy plans.

They say that a truly great painting needs the right frame to accentuate it.  And gratitude is the frame through which God’s hidden artwork is first recognized, then viewed as part of a glorious whole, then lauded for the amazing masterpiece that it is.   It’s like hugging the artist at the moment of His greatest triumph at a public exhibition!

When we lose sight of divine providence, when we buy into the “life is a series of random, meaningless events with no grand purpose” view of the world, then despair reigns.   And despairing people are easily controlled, even defined, by painful events.   A  hopeless people is a helpless people.

A grace-receiving, grateful person is transformed by events, however painful.    Instead of going crazy, they become more sane, more serene, more ready to seize the moment and capture the moment of redemption.  Instead of wallowing in self-pity, they ask, “What now, Lord?  How are You going to use this?”   Instead of turning inward and becoming a chronic complainer or a serial user of others, they spot others in need and offer the same comfort that they themselves have received from God.

In other words, they begin to really live, not just exist.   We were designed to be a part of something much greater than ourselves, to be into something good that’s outside of and far beyond our puny, pathetic, boring selves.   We were born for a higher purpose than the neurotic, mechanical pursuit of self-fulfillment.     The question of the day is:   Have you found it?

The Cancer of Fear

One of the more memorable things I learned the last few years is the role that fear plays in a group and how much of the leadership’s job is to address and diminish this fear.     The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear, for fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not mature in love.”     Groups dominated by anxiety become rigid and controlling.  They keep things close to the vest and find it hard to trust.  

Worry/Anxiety, in fact, is the opposite of trust.   It exposes us as playing god and unable to handle the weight of the universe.

In fearful groups, people speculate and guess.   They fill in blanks and assume the worst.    They engage in a lot of drama.  They take things personally and hide their true feelings.  They employ all kinds of stratagems to break the tension of their worry:   alliances against those perceived as threats, gossip and slander against the dangerous ones, and, sadly, even attempts to scapegoat and drive out the “scary” leader or person.    They try to pigeon hole you, define you, and claim to know your motives.    They judge and criticize, which is a way of taming the threat and pretending to be powerful.  They threaten and dig in their heels, seeking to prevent all stressful changes.    Fear is thus the underlying cause of most family and church conflicts.   The system strikes back at those who cause upset, bring stress, and disturb untouchable sacred cows.

Thus, managing and bleeding off fear is a major task of any father, parent, pastor, boss, or leader.     Here’s what I learned to do:

1) Define yourself.   Don’t tell other people what to think or tell them what to do.  Be open about what you think, about where you’re heading, about where you stand on the issue, about why you do what you do, and leave no emotional blanks for other people to fill in.  Don’t give them a chance to put words in your mouth and motives in your heart.    Then call them to join you on the journey.        Joshua, for instance, said, “Choose you this day whom you will serve, but, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”   Martin Luther, when on trial for his life and when ordered to recant all of his writings, said, “I cannot and will not recant.   Here I stand.  I can do no other.  God help me.  Amen.”

2) Stay in touch.    Physically absent or emotionally disconnected leaders stress people out.   By making the consistent effort to engage in regular little interactions with people in the group, to show up and be there, and to be seen in the saddle and all present and accounted for, a lot of manifestations of fear go away.    It can be words of affirmation, greetings and hugs, question asking, facial expressions, and even your mere physical presence.  There’s not a vacuum to fill.  There’s not a rejection or abandonment going on.   

3) Remain calm and take the time to work through your own unresolved fears.    The worst thing a leader can do is to escalate a fear reaction in a group.  If we give people the power to panic us, we do them no favors and do harm to the group.  So don’t react in the first place, and, above all, don’t react to other people’s fear reactions.   Don’t join the stampeding herd.   It means we bite our tongues.   It means we wait and pray.  It means we slow it all down and don’t give instant gratification.  It means we deal with our own fear and anger instead of taking it out on others.  It means we examine ourselves whenever we over-react, and ask God to spotlight why we did what we did and where this reaction came from in our past.   Our buttons that people can push become fewer, and smaller in size.

4) Decline all offers to take over another person’s fear.     Place the burden, the unresolved tension, right back on the concerned party.    Instead of saying, “I’ll take care of it”, say, “What are you going to do about your fear? What does Christ counsel you to do?”   So many parents and leaders take over the emotional weight of a child’s fear or a follower’s fear.  Then the complainer goes away feeling better, while you must carry their burden for them.    See the fear/stress behind the surface issue, and minister to that fear without taking it over as your own.

5) Delegate the anxiety, not just the responsibility, for choices.    If we take over people’s lives and can’t let them fail because it hurts US too much, then they will keep repeating their behaviors.   We need a Rolaids, while they are merrily going along and doing whatever they want without fear.   In other words, who’s bearing the stress of their choices–you, or them?    I try to remind people with character choices that they will be stuck with whatever person they become.   I can go to another room or live somewhere else, but they will be stuck with themselves all day, every day, their whole life.    I try to get them to see that their life is heading somewhere, and their story is heading for an ending.   I ask, “Is that the ending you want for your life?  And which of these two choices will get you down the road you want to be on?”

Obviously, there is a whole lot to say about addressing fear.    But if we manage our own fear well, and use it as a springboard to take our concerns to God, then we will be part of the solution instead of deepening the problem.    That’s what I’ve seen these last three years of pastoral ministry.    And what I’m hoping to continue to do for my family, and for my new church family, too.

The Pain of Love

A new friend shared with me his thoughts on losing his wife of  many years, and the word he kept using was “privileged”.    He was privileged to marry her at all, viewing himself as a man who was happier than he deserved.  He was privileged to have her for so long–over 50 years.  He was privileged to care for her during her last, prolonged illness.    Even his grief was a privilege.

“Huh?”, you say.   Let me see if I can explain this counter-cultural, non self-pitying perspective.    When we love someone mortal, it is only a matter of time before he or she is taken from us.   That we had any years with our beloved is a gift.   That we had more years than many get to have is an even greater gift.  And the more years mean the hole is greater when they pass on–our loss is keener and deeper and so the pain is therefore higher.

Great grief is a tribute paid to a great love.    If we experience any losses, it means we had previously experience gains and additions to our lives.   And, as an undeserving sinner, any gain at all is a love gift straight from Christ Himself.      In counterbalance to the greater mourning, comes the realization that we enjoyed a greater length and depth of love.

I can say this because the long month of “last” things is upon me.   The last weeks of ministry in a church we’ve been at for 13 years.   The last time leading worship.   The last elder business meeting.   The last time this person or that friend will be in our current home.    And, yes, it is painful.   The loss is definitely getting more and more real.   The full scope of it is beginning to dawn on me.

But my grief is tempered by joy.    I don’t deserve to even be in ministry.  I don’t deserve such a great Savior.   I don’t deserve to see Him work so often and so long in one place.   I don’t deserve to see Him overcome so many things and bring the church to such a good place at my departure.   Instead of leaving because the congregation is angry or because I have fallen morally or because there’s an issue that defies resolution or a group of people who hate my guts, I get to leave because my work here is finished and Jesus has something new for me to do.

So I am indeed one of the fortunate few to have so much good to lose for such a good reason.    I grieve for those who have been so hurt by toxic love that they can’t bring themselves to trust and risk themselves on God’s love.   They choose to not love at all instead of love and risk feeling pain.

So I say:  risk anyway.    Dare to risk great losses because you have had such great loves.   Start by accepting Christ’s love, and loving Him back.  Get unwrapped out of your own pain, let go of self-pity, and give yourself to others for Jesus’ sake.    Find life again, and don’t let yourself be the prisoner of past wounds and wrongs done by mal-loving people.

Bodily Contradictions

One of the people that God used most in my life was extremely obese.    By fitness standards, by the glamorous models of the cult of youth, he was a failure.   But he mentored close to 250 college students over a 25 year period and literally spent all of his time and money on others.    His soul was beautiful, his genetics were lousy.  A contradiction?   Or a sign that God doesn’t love and choose people based on their genetics or their outward appearance?

One of the problems many Americans struggle with is their body image.   We are presented a steady diet of airbrushed, photo-shopped images of thin people who look unnaturally good.   And these images are often blatantly or subtly linked to sexual appeal.    Most women, even attractive ones, hate their bodies.   That’s perverse.  And we men aren’t much better.

I myself am at the age where most of my hair on top is gone, and where a paunch is developing.   I’m reconciled to baldness–“the bold look”.  But I have this re-occurring fantasy about being 20 lbs. lighter and regaining my college-aged abdomen.   And every year that slips by, I find it takes less food to maintain my weight and it takes forgoing more food to lose less weight.    Perhaps the eternal youth fantasy itself is sick.  Perhaps I am aging, and, unless I want to do an extra-ordinary amount of work and have a lot less enjoyment eating, it’s how it is going to be.

Then there’s the issue of real appearance.   I see ads on Facebook for lip enhancement and other kinds of enhancements for supposedly deficient females.    Even in real life, the woman you see before you may so “enhanced” that she bears no resemblance to her true body.    Which creates a horrifying dilemma:   are the men who are attracted to this appearance attracted to the true person, or to the enhancements?   “Is she for real?” is not a great question to have lurking underneath a relationship.

About a month after I met Jesus I had this thought:   He made my body just the way it is.   And if He likes it, I could justly like it, too.    It was a liberating step away from body-hatred, and a step towards accepting one of God’s greatest gifts to each of us:  our body.      In a day and age when so many are pursuing an unearthly, unattainable pattern of bodily perfection, perhaps true freedom lies in thanking God for our bodies–just as they are and not as we wished they were.  

I’m not saying to avoid exercise and eat junk food and let your physical body go to seed.   But I am saying we are far out of balance, that much of our fitness and health and attractiveness pursuits are based on self-hatred and it’s sick, sick, sick.   Anorexics and bulimics aren’t the only ones who struggle with this–most all of us do.   We just disguise it better.   And perhaps the first step of liberation from this self-defeating spiral of dieting and guilt is to accept what we’ve been given–genetics, appearance, deficiencies and all–as a good gift from God.

Perhaps when that day comes, we can take all the time and energy and money we spend fretting about our appearance, and put it into helping others for Christ’s sake.    We can focus on substance–what we’re really like on the inside–instead on the futile quest to hold onto the fleeting looks of youth.

The Well-Ordered Body

I can just see this entry getting tagged as something it’s not–a dieting or fitness commentary.    What I propose to do instead is to answer the question, “How can I get my body in on the act of loving God?”

It would be easy to conclude: God wants us to be busy and do lots of things.  And that’s partially true.  He does want us to take our faith outside of our hearts and souls and minds and do something tangible in the real world populated by real people.   He is not satisfied with head trips, navel gazing, or private emoting.    On the other hand, He’s not baptizing American workaholism or sanctifying our frenzied, hurried, over-committed busyism.

Yet He values our body’s contribution to spirituality so much He commands, “Present your bodies a living sacrifice, whole and acceptable to God, which is your logical service of worship.”   He tells us we will judged for “the deeds done in the body.”   And He even makes His home in our body, reminding us, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit?  If anyone destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him.”

Tough words.   But needed.   There is a spiritual coach-potatoism in the land.  We too often come to church as spectators, as critics, as connoisseurs of messages and music.   And we leave without having encouraged or helped another soul.    How tragic, and how easy, to have idle bodies and wonder why our communities are so shallow and lousy.

Yes, I suppose it would be fitting to remark that so many of us, myself included, have a disturbing tendency to abuse our bodies–to overfeed, under-exercise, and subject them to a variety of toxic concoctions.    I remember a grossly obese friend, who died at 54.   3 years earlier he had been encouraged to enroll in the Pritiken Institute.   I chimed in, and said, “Take six months of your life and add 5 years to your life.”   Sadly, he didn’t, and he didn’t.

But I think, far more than having a thin, fit, or youthful body, God wants us to have a dedicated body–one that’s at His disposal to do whatever He wants done.   When we give the Lord our interior life, but withhold our bodies from Him, we are pretty much a no-show for Kingdom usefulness.   

Yet here is our potential:   our hands can become the very hands of Jesus, our mouth can say the very words of Jesus, our feet can go the very places where Christ would go, when our body is at His disposal.  No wonder bodily breakdown and going to seed bodily, is so destructive.   We’re unable to take God’s show on the road.

I know Christians, able-bodied adult human beings, who spend most of their lives idly watching flickering images on the tube.   I’m not one to say that TV should be outlawed, or that we should de-device our lives.    But I am saying that virtual activities, the world of e-interactions–even this entry–can only do so much.    The physical presence, the face-to-face conversations and caring interactions, have a potency because our bodies are involved.

Let’s try it and see!

Training the Unruly Heart

I have been blessed with a set of strong, deeply felt emotions.  But, like any blessing, they can also be my downfall.  The same joy that can be directed towards God, can be an unholy glee when an enemy falls.   The same sadness that can lament the loss of good things, can deteriorate into a self-pitying depression.   Emotions are tools.   We all need the full tool set.   But even good tools can be abused and used to destroy.

The danger in view is therefore not heartlessness, not a heart too numb to feel, but over-heartedness where our emotions dominate us and become the de facto lord of our lives.    In other words, we can be controlled by people and forces that would use our emotions against us.    

I tell people who struggle with chronic anger and fear that they are giving power to those who make them afraid or angry.   Our reaction gives them pleasure, and we end up doing the very things they want us to do.    It’s what I tell my kids again and again, whenever they are being needled by their brother or sister.   ‘Provoker and provoked’ is the human drama replayed over and over in every family.   It’s a tremendous waste of time and emotion, too.

Another outcome of unruly emotions is where we are so filled with rage, depression, shame, or terror that we do destructive things to ourselves, those we love, and the world around us.    We lash out, in other words.  We inflict our fiery words on others.    We’d rather break the toy, than share it.   This is where all abuse–verbal, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and physical–happens.    This is where church splits, family feuds, and ended friendships happen.  We get carried away and can’t stop until it’s too late.

So what does one do if you have an unruly heart?   

One thing I do is to read the book of Proverbs over and over–like a daily detox from folly.   The fool rages and speaks without thinking and reacts publicly–and it’s nice to be reminded of this fact and hear the call to wisdom.  “He who rules his spirit is better than he who captures a city.”    How true!

Another thing I do is a daily presentation of all strong feelings, reactions, etc. to Christ.   I take them up, instead of taking them out on people or myself.   I get into the ring and wrestle with the angel of the Lord until He pins me.   I find places in the Bible–the Psalms, the Lamentations, Job, the Crucifixion narratives–where people felt what I’m feeling, and spoke powerfully to God about it.  I piggyback on their Spirit-inspired words to find the same solace they found.   Instead of stuffing feelings, I express them in a healthy way to Christ.  He’s my safety valve.

Another priceless habit is to stop and ask, “Why did I react that way?  Lord, where did that come from?  Please connect the dots in my soul.”    I have never known the Lord to not answer this humble cry to know my own heart, to understand why I do what I do so I am free to make a thoughtful choice, instead of thoughtlessly reacting the next time.    After a while, one gets to know one’s own soul and find trusted pathways to resolution when placed in the same situation.    You get to know your weak points, the danger spots, and see them coming sooner.   The result is not only do we react less and less, but we are able to help others who struggle with the same problems more and more effectively and with less fear.

Finally, we can grow in emotional self-control.  In my studies of addiction and how soul sickness spreads in a group, I learned some good principles:

1) Remain calm–don’t let fear gain a foothold.  

2) Don’t react in the first place.   (Go somewhere private, and pray and process your soul junk, then re-engage.)

3) Don’t react to their reactions.  (Avoid adding wood to their fire)

4) Don’t leave emotional blanks to fill in–define yourself and tell people why you do what you do.

5) Stay in touch–keep the channels open in a relaxed manner while drawing healthy boundaries.

Much like working out in a gym, training our emotions to respond more maturely can happen.  If I can learn how to do it, so can you!  Yes, it’s hard.   You’ll have two big holes in the side of your tongue as you learn to not say everything you feel like saying.    You’ll get callouses on your knees from praying and wrestling with the strong, negative emotions that buffet you.   But it’s worth it.  

A person with a God-ruled heart is far more useful, and will end up making a far greater impact, than the legions of undisciplined hearts ever will.

Anesthetized Hearts

The Bible urges every person, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life.” (Prov. 4:11)   To that end, there are two spiritual dangers to our heart:   being carried away to excess by unruly emotions, and numbing our emotions to the place where we can no longer feel.  The latter concern is in view.   

I find that in our high-productivity, image-oriented culture, raw emotions are threats.   They interfere with our performance and make us look bad.     Those who “lose it” or who “break down” are looked down upon.    

Raw emotions also require us to look at what we are on the inside, like the “Check Engine” light on a car dashboard.    And that’s unnerving and messy.   So we keep adding oil and keep driving.  Instead of feeling the full force of pain and stopping our car and pulling to the side of the road, we use something to cover our emotions as soon as possible.  

So we resort to a substance, experience, or relationship to by-pass bad feelings, help us feel in control, and make us feel good again.    These are our addictions.   They resolve unresolved tensions.  They change our minds and our moods.   They help us escape reality and forget the pain.

But the downside is we are left with a heart incapable of feeling anything but desire for more pleasure and power.   After enough drinks, or puffs, or porn-views, or whatever, we become more insensible to our own plight and less sensitive to the feelings of others.   We stop hearing God’s voice in the din of feel-good demands.  We are too restless, driven, and agitated to sit still.  

I recently stepped away from caffeine, because I noticed the tell-tale signs:  more and more frequent usage, increased doses with less and less impact, just to feel halfway lousy.    But as I walked through the irritability and exhaustion of withdrawal, something good happened:   I began to feel again–sadness, joy, fear, peace, etc.   My spiritual antennae got a tune-up.  My heart, messy as it is, could once more enjoy God’s presence.

Anesthesia is fine when you’re being operated on.   But as a way of life it is a robber.   We care less and less about less and less.   We get more and more detached from friends and family, and find ourselves less and less able to form new attachments and find it easier and easier to withdraw from life.   We lose our capacity to love and be loved.   We become zombies, the living dead.

In our spiritual lives, we become more perfunctory, routine, mechanical, and heartless.   What Christ says describes us, “These people honor Me with their lips, but they remove their hearts far from Me.”    We stop caring about whether others are saved, whether the Kingdom of God advances, etc.   Our mission become self-fulfillment.

We become more demanding, even insatiably critical, of our church, leaders, and faith.  We stop offering a hand up, and start pushing others down.  We are controlling and fault-finding.  And we give less and less to others while embroiling the community in conflict.   Our religion becomes just another addiction.  We become “Exhibit A” of why people don’t want to be a Christian. And we aren’t even aware of it.  We think we’re just fine.  Everyone else is wrong.   They have the problems, not us!

The solution is to stop believing our own propaganda.  We admit the ugly, scary truth.   We tell God we can no longer feel and no longer care.   That we have numbed ourselves to the point of having a heart a million miles away from Him.   That we are in trouble and in need of a heart transplant.   We come with a broken heart, and remember, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

If you are reading this, and are no so benumbed that you can still feel something stir within your heart–a cry for God, a cry to live, a cry to feel again–then take heart!  It is not too late for you.   You can yet be saved.  

But you will have to choose.   Between self-trust and God-trust.  Between trying and failing in vain to fix yourself, and submitting to one-time, final soul-surgery.   Between the path of pain-avoidance and delusions of control, and the path of pain-redemption under Christ’s good control.

But don’t put it off.   The danger is greater than you realize.  It is far easier to save a person who’s angry at God, than you…a person who’s numbed to God.