Damaged Trust, Part 1

Trust is something quite difficult for most of us to give.

We’ve been let down or hurt one too many times to freely trust.

Our trust has been damaged.

The Nature of Trust

Unlike love, trust is conditional.

It is earned by faithfulness, proven character, and a track-record of goodness.

We are safe with trustworthy people, can let our hair down with them, and experience relational freedom when with them instead of always being on our guard.

Yet trust is an essential part of love–without it and love degrades into a series of distrustful control games and battles for dominance.

In such a case we give ourselves all our trust, and give God and other people He sends into our lives far too little trust.

Out of our pain, we want to never be vulnerable, never give ammo by admitting our wrongs, never admit let down our guard, and never lose control.

It is an horrible dead end, this over-reaction to getting burned.

The Fragility of Trust

Trust if fragile.

It is easily wounded by betrayal, abuse, and broken promises.

We learn early in life that not everyone is to be trusted, that even people we love will let us down, and therefore trust is a treasure to be bestowed only on the trustworthy, on those who we can count upon to be good to us.

Naivety and gullibility open ourselves up to exploitation, abuse, and deep hurt–part of adulthood is learning how to not trust the untrustworthy yet freely trust those we love.

Of course, it almost goes without saying that we ourselves need to work on our own trustworthiness and dependability in our relationships with others.

Some demand unconditional and absolute trust from all others, but can never be trusted by anyone else due to their pain-driven narcissism.

Such people are the bane of the quest to heal our damaged trust.

How easy it is to become one of them!

Step One Towards Healing Damaged Trust

That’s why the first step to healing our damaged trust is to admit our trust has been damaged.

We find it difficult to trust again, to be vulnerable towards God and others and allow His grace-giving agape love back into our lives.

We admit our faith has been damaged, that we have pulled away from God and others and, out of self-protection, are holding back our hearts from any and all.

We admit we don’t understand why He allowed us to be so repeatedly and deeply hurt, that we don’t understand His mysterious but agonizing purposes, and don’t at all appreciate what has happened to us on His watch.

It’s saying out loud, “I don’t trust God the way I once did–something’s been wounded deep within and in need of emotional/spiritual healing.”

I don’t worry about folks who are having an argument with God–at least they’re still talking to Him and working through their anger at Him.

Drawn out spiritual wrestling contests and extended faith boxing matches are, oddly, signs of buried but still alive trust.

Tempted to Walk Away Entirely

No, I worry most about myself and others when there’s a silent shrug of resignation and all words dry up.

When we quit the faith field entirely and withdraw into our techno-bubbles private pursuits and our “fortress of solitude” private homes.

It’s in such a place of emotional distancing that:

We turn our back on our family.

We walk away from the marriage.

We stop going to church.

We fall away from the faith.

We’re there but we’re no longer there.

Where there’s nothing more to say, turning our backs, we strike out on our own god-less path.

Hitting Bottom

Yet, sadly and ironically, it’s precisely this “walk-away” zone where we most need, yet most resist, God’s lavishing, grace-giving, holding-close agape love.

This place is aptly called, “hitting bottom.”

It takes a leap of faith to admit our utter need, our utter powerlessness, and seek a “far beyond us” healing love we cannot arrange and cannot control.

The cry of the desperate, distraught father long ago, “I believe–help my unbelief!”, must be our cry if we are to escape being devoured by our distrust.

Next time I will explore healing places in Scripture that God has used to bring me back from the brink.