Freeing Ourselves From Anger’s Tyranny

Unresolved anger is like a raging forest fire that creates its own weather.

Starting as a small spark, it grows to the point where, like a firestorm, it draws in the air of new offenses, fresh grievances, and additional injustices to contend against.

That’s why anger is a dangerously disguised tyrant.

It can take over an entire life until only anger is left.

It can destroy all relationships until only conflict is left.

This person ends up utterly enslaved to anger, no longer knows how to not be angry, and cannot easily escape the thrall of anger.

Their life becomes like a completely burned over, ashen forest where nothing green grows anymore.

So what can we do to “not go there”?

First, be very slow to anger.

Most folks don’t intend to hurt us, or may mean something very different than what we perceive.

Our own issues, and/or simple misunderstandings, are a part of life and we all have a problem with taking things personally that aren’t meant personally.

So we let it go and choose to not be angry about it–because all anger boils down to giving ourselves permission to be angry.

We therefore choose to rarely give ourselves such permission.

Second, once angry has a place in our hearts, resolve it quickly.

This can be done three ways.

Anger can be resolved by choosing to bear the cost of injustice “on our dime”.

We call this forgiveness.

Forgiveness happens when we first realize we ourselves have been forgiven enormously by God and understand that our own offenses cost Jesus Christ His life on the Cross.

Compared to our enormous debt, we’re dealing with petty offenses and small debts most of the time.

Forgiveness places another person’s offense upon Christ and sees Christ being perfectly punished for what they did.

He then turns to us and asks, “Have I suffered enough for their sins?  Or not?”

Since God is completely satisfied their injustice has been resolved, Christ’s resolution becomes our resolution of unresolved injustices that torment us and cry out for revenge.

Anger can be resolved by going directly and quickly to the other person to resolve the injustice.

It’s why the Bible counsels us to not let the sun go down on our anger.

Direct resolution is where we settle our differences by working through injustices that hurt, or by recognizing there are two legitimate viewpoints and then agreeing to disagree.

We call this kind of resolution peace-making.

It’s where we agree about what was wrong and who was wrong, or, if that’s not possible, agreeing to allow for and accept genuine differences of perspective, opinion, and needs.

It’s also where we stop repeating our tale of woe to third parties, and stop looking for allies to join our cause and stop deputizing them to punish our enemies.

If we demand or require agreement with our own point of view from other human beings with wills and views of their own, then we’re trapped in the fallacy that the only acceptable resolution to conflict is their completely agreeing with us.

Thankfully, we don’t need them to see it our way, adopt our point of view, or agree with our complaint.

We don’t need to convince the whole world we’re in the right, we’re the victim and they’re the villain, and polarize the situation.

Instead, we work for mutual understanding and a mutual walking in the other person’s shoes to feel what they feel and learn why they did what they did.

Anger can be resolved by doing something positive to correct the injustice.

We call this kind of resolution turning anger into constructive action.

The Bible puts it this way, “Do not repay evil for evil, but overcome evil with good”. (Rom. 12)

It’s like the athlete who’s fouled by an opponent that goes out and plays the game of his or her life.

It’s like the victim of injustice creating a support group for fellow sufferers, or lobbying successfully to get a legal loophole closed.

It’s like a persecuted Christian who chooses to display concern for a secret police guard, who does good towards a hostile village that attacked him or her, or who forgives the person that turned them in.

Instead of attacking the unrepentant person, they respond in such a way as to no longer reward evil but make evil less pleasant, less profitable, and less effective for evil-doers.

In other words, make sure evil backfires and results in an unintended, greater good.

If all of us practiced these things, we would all know much more personal peace, embroil our circle of relationships in far less conflict, and lead happier and holier lives that bear sweet instead of bitter fruit.

There is a solution.

Reconciling With Reality

Life lands many jabs and some crushing blows to all of us.

And our best response is resiliency–doing all we can to redeem the situation and rise above it–emerging on the other side of it a more mature person.

But there are times when fighting to change reality is the worst thing we can do.

It only delays the inevitable.   It keeps us from adjusting to a new reality we didn’t want and cannot change.  It locks us into immaturity.

At such times we are required to make peace with what we cannot change, with what will not stop, and with what must be our new normal.   Reconciling with reality is our only wise, healthy, and truthful option.

We must face the truth that we must face the truth and can no longer ignore, deny, or fight against it.    It’s coming to terms with and no longer warring against what is.

It’s accepting the fact there are some things we cannot change and cannot avoid and cannot reverse.

What’s done is done.   What’s happened has happened.   What we’re left with is what we’re left with.

So we choose to accept it.  

We move on and move forward.  We bow the knee to God and surrender control of final outcomes and ultimate fates to Him.

And, in time, we begin to understand that God can redeem what we cannot change.

That’s why the First Step to recovery is always about reconciling with reality.

We admit we are powerless.   We admit we are enslaved and cannot self-fix ourselves and never will self-fix ourselves (or anyone else).    We instead face what’s real and true about ourselves–however humbling what’s in the mirror.

Then we come to God in simple trust–a God who can restore us and transform us, who is worthy of all the control we have hogged and monopolized.

Then we turn our lives and our wills over to Him.   We “trust Him with me”, and trust Him to do what only He can do from a place of total surrender.

Some may challenge me–why are you bringing God into it?!

The reason is simple–God is a God of reality and truth.   He works and deals with us in reality and does not trade in ego-fantasies of personal control.

Until we come to terms with the reality of God, we’re still not facing reality.

Part of reconciling with reality is facing the fact God is God, and we are not.  We never have been, never will be, and never will need to be our own god.

Then God shows us realities in our own soul–including the reality of transforming us at our core and transferring us to a state of permanent blessedness and belovedness.

Then, little by little and issue by issue, He leads us to deal with the inner yuck of our hidden attitudes and wounded pride.    He cleanses us, and gradually and relentlessly frees us up for something far better!

Once we are reconciled with even our most painful realities, we are truly free and THEN we can begin to help others.

Instead of participating in mass denial and group-think,  we act and speak out of a place of grace-empowered courage and profound peace as God-aligned people.

Instead of blindly doing what’s always been done or mindlessly conforming to the crowd, we are serene in our grace-birthed new selves and in our growing conformity to God wondrous Person.

This is why reconciling with reality–however painful–is ultimately worth it.