Abuse Recovery: Anger at the Bystanders

The abused person rightfully blames their perpetrators for abusing them.

They have every right to be angry at the abuse and their abuser, yet will have a long road to not let that justified anger consume them or turn them into abusers.

For if life was one dimensional, or if everything was that simple, or if there weren’t other people in the mix, their job would be hard enough.

But there almost always are other people in the mix.

What About the Bystanders?

There were other people around.

There were people who ought to have known but somehow didn’t connect the dots.

Or they turned a blind eye and chose to not see what they saw.

Or they heard the report and then discounted or dismissed it.

Or they were in positions of protection and trust, and somehow failed in their duty towards the vulnerable and the young.

Questions like, “How could you have not known?”

“Why didn’t you immediately believe me?”

“Why didn’t you do something right away to stop it?”

“How could you have put me in that same position knowing what you know!”

And these bystanders almost always have no good reasons, no justification.

Outside Their Experience

Sometimes bystanders are truly blind.

What was actually going on was so outside of their life experience, so beyond what they thought they knew about the abuser at work or in the family or in social situations.

They therefore interpreted all the signs as “something else” and didn’t connect the dots or take appropriate action in time.

This kind of being deceived by appearances happens to just about all of us.

Sooner or later, this kind of ignorant bystander’s eyes are eventually opened.

They’re chagrined they’ve been so badly deceived and that a child or elderly relative or friend or co-worker was abused on their watch.

They are full of grief and remorse and are kicking themselves after the revelation hits.

But that is little comfort to the victim.

And the victim is still going to have to process their anger and feelings of betrayal towards their utterly fooled parent, co-worker, etc.

The world is full of blind, innocent, inexperienced people who truly had no idea how evil works and are fooled by appareances.

People just like us victims.

We will have to do a lot of grief work and anger work to finally accept the fact they honestly couldn’t see what they had no idea they were seeing.

And we will have to forgive our selves that we didn’t see it coming, either.

Too Much to Lose

But sometimes bystanders are willfully blind.

They, too, are under the thumb of the abuser and feel too frightened over losing their marriage, their job, or their security to do anything to stop ongoing abuse.

In short, their problem isn’t innocence and naivety, but cowardice and naked self-interest.

To save their own skin, or their marriage, or their own job, etc. they turn a blind eye and pretend to not see.

This category of people is far harder to address for the victim.

These bystanders knew, but, for whatever reasons, chose to do nothing about it.

And that’s particularly enraging for the victim when this kind of wimpy aiding and abetting of abuse comes to light.

“You could have stopped it, but didn’t lift a finger!” is harder to understand than “How could have not known–are you blind?!”

Again, the world is full of self-preserving, selfish people who will sacrifice just about anyone and anything to save their own skin.

Like us, they selfishly did what they thought they had to do to survive.

We will also have to do a lot of grief work and anger work to come to terms with the truth that most people are scared, spineless, and self-centered.

And we as victims are often made co-participants in our abuse, particularly in sexual abuse because it involves us and our abuser.

We will have to forgive ourselves for doing what we had to do to survive and finally escape the horrific experience.

Programmed to Repeat

Yet sometimes bystanders are abused people who are programmed to perpetrate a system of abuse that continuously puts others in danger.

This is seen in incestuous families where a grown-up victim leaves her kids alone with “uncle billy” or “step-granddad” or “older brother” the same way she was left alone with him.

Or in incestuous organizations where one extended family or a closed-knit insiders group has dominance and no accountability.

Being told repeatedly by the perpetrator is was all her fault, and being disbelieved or shamed when she does report the problem, the grown up victim grows up thinking all other kids are good kids who won’t be abused and that she was the bad girl who deserved to be abused.

So she puts her own “good kids” in the same situation and believes it won’t happen to them.

But of course it does and the multi-generational cycle of abuse continues.

For such children, their own mother’s unconscionable part in reenacting the evil drama is particularly hard to accept.

“Of all people!  You knew!  And you still put me in harm’s way!!!!”

Abused and Used to Groom

It takes many years into adulthood and treatment to realize how their mother’s warped view of life and the lies etched through trauma were all programmed by their shared abuser.

It’s the case where a truly evil, despicable individual programs and grooms their victims to serve us still more victims–creating an endless, unchecked supply through shame and secrecy.

And it takes many years into adulthood to realize just how extremely difficult it is to break an entrenched cycle in our own soul, in a marriage, in a multi-generational family, in a closed, tightly controlled organization, etc.

And to work through our anger to extend mercy to the abused person who let us down so utterly when it came to our need for protection.

And to extend mercy to ourselves for failing to protect ourselves, for putting ourselves in a dangerous situation, etc.

Next time I’ll share a little more about my own story of my anger towards bystanders and how I’ve had to work on it over the decades.