Repeating vs. Breaking the Cycle

It’s the easiest thing in the world to do to others what was done to us.

We get deeply hurt at our most vulnerable, and then hurt the vulnerable because we’re consumed with trying to protect ourselves.    We are wronged, and then, in the name of righting wrongs, do wrong to others.    It’s the human condition.

In other words, it’s extremely easy to repeat family patterns handed down to us by our parents.   It’s difficult indeed to not over-react, go to the opposite extreme in our parenting, and produce the very same results in our kids.

The sins of the fathers are indeed visited on the children to the third and fourth generation.     Unless…

We break the cycle of being injured and injuring others.

Breaking any cycle is painful.

1) Losing Our Self-Righteousness.

We begin by admitting we are no better than our parents, no better than those who have wronged us, and no better than the people we’re condemning.     To quote the book of Romans, “there is none righteous, not even one.”     “Are we better than they?   Not at all.”

The prophet Elijah, on the heels of a great spiritual victory, acted cowardly and ran away.    When he came to his senses, he asked God to take his life because, “I am no better than my fathers.”

Any sense of betterness, superiority, and entitlement is spawned by our wounded pride and simply needs to die if we’re going to make progress.

2) Admitting We Have an Unmanageable Problem

Breaking the cycle also involves admitting we have a problem we can’t fix.  Trying to manage it, trying to be better than our parents and do the opposite, is tantamount to saying “I don’t have a problem” and “I can manage it if I do.”

The truth is we are handed problems bigger than we are and which scare the daylights out of us.   These issues defy easy fixes, and all our attempts to manage them only make them worse.

3) Turning Our Life and Our Will Over to God

It comes down to admitting “there is a God and it’s not me”.   And asking Him for help from a place of powerlessness and no control.

We stop giving God orders.   We stop telling Him how to help us.   We stop trying to use God or enlist God in our agendas.    We are willing to be helped–without pre-conditions or limitations, taking down all “do not disturb” signs and all “no trespassing” signs.

4) Submitting to the Pain and Allowing Time for Grace

Surgery hurts.

It exposes the diseased tissues to the air and removes them without hesitation.     If the reason why we haven’t surrendered before is because of pain, it is reasonable to expect that our cure will involve the very pain we’ve sought to avoid all along.

God puts us back into the same kind of situation, surfacing all of our old emotions.   We get triggered, feel out of control, and are strongly tempted to re-assert our own control.

But if we keep surrendering and not allow these feelings to drive us, they grow less powerful.     And then God graces us in this broken area, pouring healing balm on the wound even if He doesn’t change the circumstances.

The wounds that drive us lose some of their power, the button others can push shrinks in size and becomes harder to push as well.    We are “de-feared” and experience love in that most broken area of our lives.  That’s why the Bible says, “mature love casts out fear.”

Then we do it all over again in another area and/or at an even deeper level.    And slowly the cycles of pain-fueled evils are broken.     We begin to come alive.

5) Practice the New Life in the New Energy of the Spirit

Every space left by pain and evil now needs to be filled with new life and purpose–with active caring and blessing of others.    In this place we are grateful for our deliverance, and want others to be freed.   We are over-loved by God and now have an excess to spend on passing along this grace to others.

We begin a new, upward cycle in our marriages, families, churches, and workplaces.   Grace opens the door to more grace in more areas.

It’s not surprising why there are so many who relapse, and so few who truly recover.   Nor is it a shock that so many repeat their parents’ cycle, and so few allow God to break it.    There is nothing more painful.

But nothing more worth it!   Be one of the few!

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”