The Grace of Feeling Out of Control

The difference between actual control, and the illusion of control, is all the difference in the world.

We can hardly control our own emotions, find it difficult to stick with diets, and were born small little mortals.    We can’t control other people, but insist on making plans that require their cooperation.    We make plans for life, but everything from the weather to random events can upend our plans.    So we try harder or give up entirely.

The truth is we never had control.   But that leaves us profoundly vulnerable, and it’s emotionally impossible for us to live that way.   So we pretend we have more control than we actually have to comfort ourselves.    It’s a form of denial.    It’s how we keep the “chaos monster” at bay.

Most people see two alternatives in life:     I am in control, or nobody is in control and everything is out of control.   So they try to control everything and everyone rather than living in sheer terror of absolute chaos.     Their options are limited to playing god, or freaking out.    These options are destructive,  and God doesn’t appreciate either of them.

So He punctures our umbrella of control.    He causes our efforts to control to backfire and spin even more out of control.   He makes us worse, so He can free us from the bondage of our own control and make us better.    Ask yourself, “When was the last time I “lost control”?   What emotions did I feel in that moment?    Did I hide and run away?    Or did I lash out and blame and pressure others to obey my will for them?”

These moments of losing control of ourselves are telling.     They show us our hidden agendas of control.    They also show us where we most need someone to occupy the Throne of the Universe, to be in charge of everything, to keep chaos at bay.    They can also show us where we have buttons others can push and chains other people can pull.

So here’s what I do:

1) Ask God in Prayer to Reveal Roots:    I ask the Lord to show me why and how the current life event is so provoking.    I ask Him to show me why I’m reacting and over-reacting, and to reveal what’s behind the reaction.    Instead of reacting over and over and over again in the same way, I step back and allow the Spirit to do exploratory surgery on my soul.     This is what David did in the Psalms.

Why do I have a button to push in the first place?   Where did that button come from?    What is the gaping need behind this reaction?    In other words, where in life did I feel out of control and got deeply hurt?   These questions are pure gold for my soul.    And they have never failed to be answered.

2) Bring “The Need Behind the Need” to God:      If we feel out of control, it’s where we’ll most feel our need Someone to be sovereign over the Universe and manage everything.     So I ask the Lord to minister that aspect of Himself to my damaged, frightened soul.    Then I park there and resist all agitations and distractions–until He ministers this grace to my heart.     In other words, my need always boils down to needing Christ.

It’s a decision to trust God.

What I don’t need is for life to follow my plan, or for other people to obey my will, but for a rock solid sense of God being in control and satisfying my deeper need in Himself.     He’s my control, in other words.    His sovereignty is what keeps chaos within limits, and bends it to good ends.

If we can learn to do this, if we can resist the urge to bear our own chaos or manage our own loss of control, we will begin to feel rested and freed at a deepest level.    We will be far less terrified by far fewer things, and enjoy far more serenity, far more often, in far more areas of life.

Of course there are other helpful disciplines in such moments, but these are two that Christ has used to minister His grace where I most need it.