The Power of Fathering

Father’s Day is maybe yesterday’s news, but fatherhood is every day’s news and every body’s issue.

There’s an old Gypsy Proverb, “You have to dig deep to bury your father.”   Like it or not, our fathers leave a large footprint in our lives–for good or for ill.    Many of us carry “father wounds” which are not so much a cry against our own earthly father but a heart cry for a father, for the positive blessing only a grace-giving, boundary-setting, guidance-providing father can give us.

I noticed growing up that boys who had strong fathers were vertebrates–they had an inner solidness that gave them confidence and security.   Their fathers gave them the gift of involved, healthy male leadership by their example.  And their fathers said, “No” and instilled in them a healthy respect for authority…if you get my drift.   Father strength was caught and mysteriously transferred from father to son.

I, on the other hand, felt like a jellyfish.   Lacking inner security as a boy, I  tried too hard to fit in with the other boys.   Lacking a strong sense of fatherly approval, I craved the approval of the secure and solid men around me.  But I didn’t find what I was looking for:   a strong emotional bond with a father.

My dad had other strengths–doing father-son activities together, buying me many resources, supporting my hobbies and pursuits, instilling in me a strong work ethic, and providing for his family.    Knowing what I know now about my dad and his own dad, he bettered on the damaged inheritance he received. But the father wound to his heart crippled his ability to connect to mine.  Hence, jellyfishism in me.

Girls who had a strong father didn’t always need to have a boyfriend to feel complete.   In fact, they didn’t need us guys at all.   Which made them fascinating and well worth pursuing.   I know.   I married a woman like that.

The girls who threw themselves at guys, who weren’t complete without a boyfriend, who were desperate for male attention and who exhibited themselves to gain it, might be popular.    But they weren’t respected.  And they found themselves used and discarded.   Sadly, they never really found what they were looking for:   a heart connection to a strong, present, accepting, celebrating his daughter kind of father.

So the question of the day is:   how does one get it when you never got it growing up?     And the answer of the day is:   we have another Father.   A Father who longs to have a heart connection to all of us.   A Father who gave up what was most precious to Him to rescue us from peril.   A Father with outstretched arms.  A Father full of compassion.  A Father who stands on the hill, looking off in the distance, waiting for us to come home to Him whenever we stray.

He’s also a Father of unlimited strength, who provides for His own.    A Father who gives good gifts and who sets good boundaries.     A Father who disciplines us in love when we’re ornery and hurt others and won’t listen.   A Father who knows how to let us fail and learn from our mistakes.

He is our Father in heaven.    And Jesus says, “He who has seen Me, has seen the Father.”    All that is beautiful and good and kind and wise and active in Jesus’ life is a reflection of His Father, too.

The key is to cry out for our Heavenly Father.    To admit we need Him to father us in areas where we were not fathered or mal-fathered.   To invite Him into the Grand Canyon-sized hole in our hearts.   To see Him as good.  To trust Him with our selves.   To appeal to Him for compassion and mercy.   To not try to hide anything from Him, but to bring even our worst issues and faults and misdeeds to Him for cleansing and forgiveness.   To let Him speak to us from His Word on these very specific issues–with a pre-commitment to follow His guidance.

And if we do this again and again, we will learn at a deep emotional level that we truly have a good Father.   We will gain that heart connection to Him and the hole will be filled.    A backbone will begin to form, and we won’t be so insecure and nervous.

We won’t have to be our own father anymore.  So much unspoken pressure will fall off of us.    We won’t have to prostitute ourselves to gain some earthly male’s approval, because we already enjoy His unconditional approval.    Out of solidness and fullness, new and healthier relationships with others will happen.   And then we’ll have something solid and good to share with our spouse, our children, and the circle of people who can depend upon us for the Father’s grace.

Whether you were ill-fathered or well-fathered or non-fathered, I invite you to experience Fatherly grace through His Son, Jesus Christ.